Straightjackets of normalcy

I can really be an ass. I can speak my mind and not give a fuck what someone says. I can also give someone space if they tell me they need it. I’m not a bad guy. I just need communication.

Tonight I sent messages to Mary and Sarah. All the messages said was “are we still friends?”. I can’t sleep because my brain won’t stop the tumbling dice. I can’t stand it when someone just stops talking to me for no reason. I have been nothing but good to both of them. I deserve better treatment.

Maybe I just deserve better quality people in my life.

Maybe I need to get the hell out of here. The women here don’t seem to appreciate me. The only people that really do are Caryn, Rockabilly, Tomn, Tim, Ralph, Adam, and maybe even Keith. Shit! When I put it that way it doesn’t seem so bad! I guess I’m just being lame and emo. Maybe I’m feeling this way because I was actually OK with being alone for once, then I got a taste and (like a heroin junkie) it got the better of me and ran like a wildfire through my system burning all the threads of hard work I put into myself.

On a different note, I wrote something for the first time in a long while the other day:

Paint yourself gray and blend in with the phantoms. You are all smoke, but you lack the flame.

In a way, I think it plays well with my current events. It applies well to some people I know.

Now, behold new Portishead!

So much.

Hello internet. It’s been a while. What have you been doing since I’ve been gone? Really? Lohan BJ video? You don’t say…

Since the last time I’ve been here, things have gotten a little stranger with the girl who’s into me but has a guy. Let’s call her Mary. That’s her name in real life, so it’s cool to call her that here. We had a few drinks over a week ago, and she got odd. She told me she knows that she would be way happier with me than with her man. He’s an ass. She knows it. She thinks that if they split up that he will have to live on the streets. Fucking who cares?

One of her co-workers was into me and we hung out a few times. Her name is Sarah. Mary starts telling me “I can’t be upset if you guys hook up” and other strange things. Well, Sarah and I chilled on St. Patrick’s and, amazingly, we hit it off HARD! Our minds are in the same place for the most part. She is beautiful and funny. Smart as hell. I can not remember a time I felt so comfortable with someone. It’s strange almost. We flirted the whole night at the bar. We held hands. When we left, a car accident happened right in front of us! I wrenched open the guys car door and sure he was ok. After that, Sarah and I crossed the street and we hugged to say goodbye. Well, I kissed her. Just a small one. She looks up at me and says “Can I have another one?” so we start kissing. Sirens and the lights from emergency vehicles split the night as we kiss on the corner. It was like a damned movie! To top it off, I have never kissed anyone and had it feel so right. So perfect!

Sarah and I go to the movies the next day and hang out all night. We can not have a conversation without being amazed at how much we match. After the movie we go to my place to just chill. We can’t get away from each other. She spends the night (for the record, I never sleep next to someone this fast. Usually takes over a month.). There is no sex involved. Neither of us can sleep. We keep staring at each other and telling one another about how lucky we feel. Amazing.

Sarah and I hand out a few days later and she starts to make it a little odd. She asks me what we are. I tell her that I just thought we liked being around the other and we can take things at any pace. She tells me she doesn’t want a relationship because she is newer to the city and wants to experience it.  Come to find out, she has had a never ending stream of bad shit head boyfriends. So, we are just “dating” right now. It’s not really that though. I mean, I spent the night at her place (first guy to even be invited over) and we make out and watch movies all night. It’s like a story book. She holds my hand even while sleeping. In the morning, I try to leave for work and she asks me if I have five more minutes so she can jst sleep on me for a little while longer. Of course I do.

Mary doesn’t really speak to me any longer and I give Sarah her space so she can make her own decisions. We have told each other things that we have not told anyone else. I understand her so well, and I think she’s scared. She’s used to bad guys, and I’m the opposite.

What do you think I should do? Am I being stupid ad hopeful for no reason, or is patience gonna finally pay off for me?

Look at us. It’s beautiful.